-
-
-
quick shop
on me: Women’s Violet Dress // TKEES sandals on Kennedy: Delphine Girl Dress // Native shoes on Collins: Delphine Girl Bubble
As I write this post, I am reminded of this blog post I wrote from when Kennedy was only three months old! Collins is the same age in these photos and I find myself reflecting on how motherhood has changed for me… this postpartum period has been similar in a lot of ways, but also very different. I wanted to write an honest post for all of the mothers who are also struggling out there. Often times, Instagram can make one’s life seem so “perfect.” I have tried to do a better job of sharing the realities of motherhood alongside “pretty” photography. I hope that you can see that in today’s post! Anyways. On to my reflections…
This time around, I find the sleep deprivation to be equally as tormenting – maybe even more so! Sleep is even more scarce when you have a newborn that wakes every few hours during the night and a toddler that wakes up early to start the day. There are days when I am so very tired, I wonder if I will ever not be tired again. It is such a defeating feeling. Even when I do get a good night’s sleep, it doesn’t seem to make a dent in my overall energy levels – I don’t think one night can make a difference in a few months’ worth of sleep deprivation! I find myself thinking, “If only I had more energy, I could be a better mother to the girls… I would cook this, or do this craft, or play this game,” etc. It is not a very good train of thought, but it is honestly what runs through my mind. I can’t wait to sleep through the night again! I know it will come at some point, but it seems so very far away right now.
I am also struggling with postpartum anxiety… again. I know it is related to my hormones, but it is so very frustrating! A few symptoms include feeling a heaviness as soon as it starts to get dark outside, trouble sleeping, my mind constantly creating scary scenarios where my kids are hurt or in danger, vacillating moods, and just generalized anxiety at all times. I know that it does, eventually, go away, but it is getting to the point where I’m considering getting on medication. I feel constantly overwhelmed and anxious, to the point where I can’t fall asleep at night – despite how tired I may feel!
While postpartum has certainly been a struggle for me, it hasn’t been all bad. For starters, my heart has never felt so full or my life so complete. I spent nine months worrying that I wouldn’t be able to love this baby as much as I loved Kennedy, and I have been blown away by my emotions since giving birth to her. My heart literally doubled in size the day Collins was born. I love them both, so much, so fiercely, it’s really hard to put into words how I feel about them. Like nothing in my life really matters, except for them. It’s an all-encompassing type of love. The minute that Collins was here, I couldn’t imagine life without her. She’s such an integral part of our family… and she’s only just a baby. Some days I look at her and just sob because I couldn’t love her more if I tried.
Being a mother to Collins has come easier this time, too. I’ve already been through the motions with Kennedy. I’ve been able to trust my instincts more with her, am more confident in my abilities as a mom. When she cries, I instinctually know what’s bothering her, how to soothe her, how to pat her butt in the way that she likes or which song to hum to put her to sleep. I cherish each and every moment with her, in part, because now I know how fast the time goes – how fast they grow up. I feel like I’m enjoying her more this time around, if that makes sense. When Kennedy was born, Chris and I both went through a period of grieving when we realized our old, carefree way of life was “over.” We did not feel that at all, this time. Our lifestyle has already changed so much, that adding on another child didn’t make a huge impact – we already knew what to expect, already found our “groove” as parents.
And finally, I will leave you with this – there is NOTHING that compares to seeing your two children interact and love each other. My heart wants to break into a million little pieces every time because I just can’t handle it. Kennedy constantly wants to give her sister hugs and kisses, while Collins is constantly watching her and smiling and laughing at the things she does. Kennedy really is the sweetest big sister. The other day, we were driving in the car with both Kennedy and Collins in the backseat. Collins was crying, and I could hear Kennedy soothing her in the backseat saying, “It’s okay Collins, don’t cry, we’ll be home soon, sissy…” To hear my two-year-old daughter comforting her baby sister was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I feel like their bond is just beginning. They both have the sweetest hearts, and that is all I really want – for both of them to have kind souls.
Being a mother to two is truly the best thing ever (despite the challenges). I can’t wait for the sleep deprivation to pass, for my hormones to stabilize, for my girls to grow from being sisters to best friends. I am so in love with my little girls and feel so blessed to be creating this family with Chris.
Until next time…
xoxo
Your girls are adorable!💖
Thank you for your honest reflection Caitlin! My husband and I welcomed our first baby (a girl!) two months ago and I am feeling A LOT of the same emotions. Postpartum is a beast and I’m happy I’m not alone.
What a wonderful and honest post! It was great reading about both your struggles and your joys. You are right, often times life on social media looks all rainbows and butterflies in photos. Thank you for being real! On another note, my kids are now 12 and 16 but I remember going through similar hormone and anxiety fluctuations after having my kids. I found at at 6 months postpartum with my 2nd that I had a thyroid issue that was triggered after pregnancy due to my hormones being everywhere. My thyroid issues were the cause of some of the anxiety I was experiencing. Please be sure to seek out lab work when you visit a doctor. Good way to rule out things and if medication is the answer then so be it. It might help you get back to being the best you and the best mom you can be to your beautiful girls!
This is such a great post, Caitlin. I appreciate your candor, and it’s always nice to see influencers share a bit of the “real” (even though your followers are not entitled to that information!). There is no shame about using medication to help cope. I recently went on a low dose of Lexapro, and I feel like a new person. It will get easier! You’re such a wonderful mom. Take care!
I have a 4 year old and 5 month old and am right there with you. The anxiety has been so disruptive this time around but I just started with a therapist via SonderMind and I’m hoping it will help. I think my stress levels are just always so high from being “on” 24/7 and having my attention split in so many ways all the time. But I know it won’t last forever and of course I cherish the sweet times as well. Thanks for sharing!
I have tears reading this. It feels like you wrote this about my life! I also have two littles, a two year old and a 5 month old. Motherhood is so hard but also the most amazing thing! The days are long but the years are short. One day we will look back on the hard, exhausting days and miss them.
Thank you for sharing. I know it will help many Mom’s going through the same thoughts and feelings. No, it’s not easy but it is so worth it and you see that every single day! I knew Kennedy was going to be sweet and loving to Collins. She is just the sweetest, beautiful little girl with a smile that melts my heart. I also love how Collins has that same beautiful smile. Just like you! Lol Keep the faith! Your doing your best and that’s all we can ever do! You will sleep one day, I promise! And if the PPD gets to be too much maybe you might want to speak with your doctor to get over the hump! It’s ok if you do. You’ll still be the fabulous Mom that you are. Have a lovely summer and enjoy every moment with your beautiful girls. You are blessed🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for the honesty – I am about to have my third. I have had similar struggles through my journey as well but it’s true when you see them care for each other and play- it’s worth any hardships that come along with it. Hope you can find some healthy solutions for the anxiety I struggled with this with my first baby and it can bevery debilitating. Sending you strength and love xo
I agree, there is nothing sweeter than seeing the bond between your children. My daughter and son are in college, but my heart bursts every time one of them stands up for the other or they laugh at a shared joke. The best!
Thank you for normalizing a realistic postpartum period. Our fast-paced and unforgiving lifestyles demand our babies adjust to “our” schedules and not the other way around, so we are constantly bombarded with messaging on how to “fix” them and force them to adhere to our expectations. There is so much relief that comes with slowing down, letting all of that go and just accepting “what is” because the time truly does go SO fast and before long they are grown and no longer need us. The unrealistic pressure for life to go on like it never changed is so damaging to our mental health, because having children DOES and WILL change our lives forever, but in all the best ways possible.
The more children you have the more space God gives you to love. It’s indescribable and there is no better miracle than raising a family with your soulmate. You are doing great. Congratulations to you and Chris!
What a beautiful post! That’s wonderful that your girls get along so well. It seems like they already have an amazing bond!
xoxo,
Sydney
http://www.thelotuslist.com
What a beautiful post Caitlyn, I can relate to it all-although my six children are now older and some grown, you brought back the feelings and emotions and even yes the anxiety I had also. It’s so nice to read a simple honest but also uplifting post about motherhood. Your babies are lucky to have you and their dad as parents.
Thank you for your honesty. My husband and I are expecting our first child, a baby girl, in the next 10 days. No one ever really talks about the postpartum, so this is helpful to keep in mind. I’m the past, I’ve consulted with a homeopath for stress/anxiety, especially at night or whenever I’ve had trouble sleeping (or staying asleep through the night) and she explained my adrenal system was in the fight or flight mode. She suggested Futureplex R13 RegenRX and recommended 5 drops under my tongue and let it dissolve at bedtime. I’m not sure if it was psychological or what, but it really seemed to help. I hope you find a helpful solution. Best of luck to you and your beautiful family!
You are such a wonderful momma Caitlin, to both of your sweet girls, and love these precious photos! Praying that the anxiety goes away for you ASAP, I imagine that has to be so hard and just trying to juggle everything at the same time.
Make Life Marvelous
Wow, what an incredible journey! Your latest blog post about three months with Collins truly captivated me. Your heartfelt words and stunning photos beautifully captured the joy and love you share with your furry friend. It’s evident that Collins brings immeasurable happiness into your life, and the way you express your appreciation for him is truly heartwarming. Your blog continues to be a source of inspiration, and I can’t wait to read more about your adventures together. Thank you for sharing this wonderful bond with us. Keep spreading the love and joy! 🐾❤️
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Thank you for giving a glimpse into the life of a mother of two baby girls. My mother has passed away but I imagine she must have felt the same when she saw me and my younger sister together so many years ago. Life is so precious and time goes by so fast. Happy for you that you are savoring this beautiful season of life!